Why is it that despite the government and medical boards best endeavours, every email and article about women of a ‘certain age’ seems to come back to one thing ‘wine’. Never choose to argue with a woman who’s just realised she’s run out. The signs are very clear and unmistakable. First there’s a cupboard door slamming just a bit too loudly, followed by an expletive. Usually this is accompanied by rattling of empty bottles in the hope that one full one has slipped past, or perhaps the dregs of the old ones that can make up a glass. At this point one is rarely choosy. Men here’s a tip - once your partner has realised this scavanging has proved futile, do not under any circumstances be tempted to offer her a ‘nice cup of tea’ instead. Once you have picked yourself off the floor and extracted her teeth from around your neck you will realise the folly of these words. Likewise whispering the word ‘sad old alcoholic’ can prove dangerous. Heightened sensory awareness of a woman in search of wine means she can lip read from a mile away and this will result in yet more pain both physical and verbal.
Just learn that some things are not negotiable. With husbands, children, lovers, pets it’s occasionally nice to have a weekend apart. Wine…. Little and most definitely often, with no time off for good behaviour, because where’s the fun in that….