Feeding the pampered birds of Twickenham early this morning I happened to look at the RSPB label on the front of ‘Garden Bird Seed Mix’ and below in highlighted text was the warning ‘370 calories’. Now I am confused. Do they think that I might be tempted to nibble on a little seed or two and before I know it I am a size 22, growing a soft down and feathers and singing like a canary? If I eat the whole packet in one, will I suddenly become obese? What if I start snacking regularly on these packets? Someone ought to tell those birds too, as they can’t read and before we know it the sparrow is having difficulty dragging himself out of the nest and keeps dropping like a stone to the ground, due to the high fat content of the seed. Thank god they put the calorie counter on.

You can’t make this stuff up.