I think it was the wonderful Jerry Hall who said that a woman should to be a goddess in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I think she also mentioned a vital third point but what the hell, I’m still striving for the other two. It struck me that a fifty something year old whore in the bedroom could be quite scary and let’s be honest, when asked, most men probably have a younger vision in mind.

To that end I’ve taken up running. The body certainly needs some additional help and a shock to the system, so for two mornings at 6.30am, I have been out praying to avoid being mugged or stepping in dog poo. Yesterday I skulked around the green, head down feeling foolish and hoping to avoid any pitying stares from the early bus commuters. Nothing, not one derisory comment, no applause, no recognition… absolutely nada.
Now thus far I have avoided the necessity of buying a track suit. Absolutely no-one I know looks good in one of these. The only reason to have one is when you have lost the ability to fasten buttons or pull up zips. To look this awful and part with £100 or more? Madness. However, I hadn’t reckoned with IKEA. £14.99 and as much black velour as you can wrap around your thighs. Yes, salvation was at hand. IKEA – the promise of so much and the deliverer of so little. Literally. Bottoms fine. Plenty of swing and motion. Top? Well suffice to say I was losing the use of my arms before I’d got down the end of the drive.
A few years ago a very good friend of mine said she had become invisible when she walked in the room. I didn’t believe her and argued this fact. I am beginning to realise how right she was but help is at hand – I’m thinking Versace - dayglo colours, maybe even glow in the dark material . It won’t be cheap, it won’t be pretty but I will be noticed! Does my bum look big in this and are you man enough to tell me…
Still my thighs definitely feel perkier.