Do some families attract more mayhem than others? As they go, mine is not a big unit, one child, one ex husband, one mother left standing and one long suffering partner in crime. For something so small it creates a lot of activity, most of which seems to revolve around casualty as far as I can see.

It’s been a bit of a week so far, and most of it involved blood, non of it mine, which is good as I’m a tad squeamish. It went something like this:

Monday 11pm – frantic call from daughter. Cheeky, her neurotic ginger tomcat had just been badly mauled by one of the pack of urban foxes living under a tree in a wasteland garden next door. We should have seen this coming, as she had only moved into her new flat six weeks earlier and already the friendly neighbour ‘diamond’ Dave had announced over a glass of wine that Cheeky was not a very ‘streetwise’ cat. How did he know this we pondered? True, he wasn’t very big, in fact he’s rather on the twiglet size. Very slim hips. The cat, not Dave. But only that morning I had witnessed him on tiptoes, hair all puffed up looking like Joan Collins in a mink coat, as he hissed and screamed at a big black tom that has taken a fancy to Hayley’s garden. The standoff ended when the black cat got bored and with a grin and a swagger he turned his back and strolled off.
Had this showdown given Cheeky a new sense of power? Did he imagine he had seen the opposition off? We will never know for sure, but right at this moment there was a lot of blood apparently, according to my daughter.
You just know that at 11pm at night this isn’t going to be cheap.
But let me tell you. In an emergency, forget NHS A&E. Get yourself over to an open 24hr a day vetenary hospital. Hayley alerted them about the arrival and the operating room was ready and waiting. No sitting around in casualty talking to the drunks and wondering how that man had managed to get the peg caught on his private parts. Oh no, straight in and an overnight stay for observation. If you do try this route instead of casualty , I think the only tricky part would be squeezing oneself into the small metal cat cage, but other than that, it’s just as comfortable, with the loo in your cage. How many hospitals can boast that I ask you? And horse tranquiliser on hand as well.

So that was Monday night and Tuesday sorted. Cheeky is now recovering at home with bedrest and a vast assortment of new ‘treats’. A sheepskin bed, nibbles, fine wine. Definitely a cat that has got the cream. £300 of it in fact, once we got the bill.

So that left Wednesday. I had plucked up the courage to tell the carpenter at Hayley’s flat that this was indeed his last day. He’s worked for me many times but this had to be the last. It’s not that he’s slow, but five days in and we had accomplished a small shelf behind the bath and a very simple cupboard. What we also had was a lot of numbers, sums and crossing out on the newly painted wall. Was he studying particle physics perhaps or cracking the meaning of life? These figures on the wall certainly didn’t add up when it came to my cupboards which were on a lean and rather wobbly.
What happened next is rather a mystery. He wasn’t terribly happy that this was his last day so I cleared off and went to the bank. On my return no sooner was the key in the door, than I heard the following
“Caz, I’m afraid there’s been a bit of an accident.” Another broken bit of furniture perhaps? I thought uncharitably.
“I’m afraid there’s an awful lot of blood. It’s all up the walls, the floor, everywhere.”
And he was right. The new cupboard was no more. It was a pile of bits on the floor. What greeted me was the shower scene from Hitchcock’s film Psycho. The carpenter had a large wad of tissues round his hand. The chisel had slipped.

Let’s just say that as a nurse I am really no loss to the NHS. We managed to cobble something together with gauze and some sellotape and off he went to A&E. He wasn’t impressed with my suggestion of the the vetenary clinic. He’s fine though. Two stitches and a week off work. Two stitches? Only two stitches? What about all this blood then? Where’s that come from?

Maybe he’s faked it. I am watching the post for compensation claims.